My story

I was 13 when I first realised that something was wrong, my mood seemed to be going down hill, this was when I first started to self harm. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I went to the doctors about my mood, this was the first person I’d told about what was going through my head and what was going on. I got referred to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service) by this point I had just turned 16,  within weeks I was started on medication . After a couple of weeks taking the new medication and me taking my first overdose it was decided that I was no longer safe to stay at home and they wanted me to go to an adolescent psychiatric unit in Cambridge. I was there for 6 months, my time there was tough and was full of ups and downs, good days and bad but I got through it. I was 17 by the time I was discharged, I spent the next year seeing CAMHS weekly, but when it got to my 18th birthday I was told i’d be moving onto the adult mental health team, this scared me, I felt as though I was being abandoned by my doctor my therapist and my nurse. I couldn’t take it so I took another overdose in the hope it would kill me, I had to see the crisis team daily.  Five months after my 18th birthday I was told that I needed to go back into hospital but this time an adult psychiatric unit (weller wing), I was petrified I had no idea of what to expect, I tried to discharge myself but that ended with me being sectioned for the second time because they thought I wouldn’t be safe at home, I was so angry I started shouting, hitting and kicking things because they had sectioned me. I was only there for 3 weeks and then got discharged. I then got diagnosed with a personality disorder. However 3 weeks after I got discharged I had to have a mental health act assessment at home with two psychiatrists and a social worker . I found out the outcome the next day after getting back from sixth form I fell asleep to be woken up by my mum and the social worker that assessed me the day before to be told that I was now sectioned and an ambulance had turned up to take to hospital and I needed to get a bag of stuff ready and before I knew it I was in the ambulance on my way there, I was sent to Royston in a private psychiatric hospital it was horrible I wasn’t allowed out incase I tried to run but after much persuasion I was told I could go for a walk with the nurse as long as I didn’t take my phone with me, I tried to run but the nurse I was with called for back up and i was restrained in to a van and taken back to my ward in seclusion. In total I was there 5 weeks. After my discharge I spent another 5/6 months at home seeing my care coordinator and the complex needs team but things were going downhill and I couldn’t do anything to stop it, I was having thought of jumping in front of a train and jumping of a multi storey car park, I was later sectioned for the third time, within the first week of being there I ended up in a&e 5 times because I had cut myself so badly, I was being restrained daily and being injected with medication to help calm me down but none of this worked I was hearing and seeing things that weren’t real, I was sent to a secure unit in london. This admission lasted just over two months. After my discharge things were going well I finally thought I had the right medication combination and excited for the future. It was three months later I took an overdose to try and end my life yet again it was my worse overdose I’d ever taken. It was decided i would voluntarily going back to weller wing but within days of being there I tried to leave but was placed on section. This admission was full of ups and downs for the most of it I was one 1:1 so I was never alone I couldn’t do anything without being followed and watched every minute of the day incase I hurt myself. I was in hospital just over three months. It has now been  seven months since I was in hospital it hasn’t been easy and there have been times when i’ve wanted to just end it all but im reminded by my family and friends just how much i have to live for, I now have a  new mental health nurse and a support worker that I see weekly. my teenage years have not been easy and not what most other teenage years are like but im determined to make the most of the rest of my life.